How to Support a Loved One after Pregnancy Loss
Trigger warning: mention of miscarriage
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It's not a club I wish I was a part of, or a club I wish existed at all.
I am so very grateful to have two healthy rainbow babies, but the journey was not easy. 🌈
I've been pretty open on Insta so instead of re-sharing my recurrent pregnancy loss story, here is advice on how to support a loved one.
What I found helpful after miscarriages:
- 𝗧𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗺𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽. Meals, taking care of kids, driving carpool, chores. This was better than asking how to help, because I was too overwhelmed to answer.
- 𝗦𝗮𝘆 𝗦𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗚. It's ok not to know what to say, but please don't ignore me. "Thinking of you" or "I'm so sorry" works.
- 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗮 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲- a card, flowers, plants, or treats with a short note. 🌵
- 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝘀𝗮𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 "everything happens for a reason", "at least you weren't far along", "at least you can get pregnant" or anything dismissive.
- 𝗥𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝗮𝘂𝗹𝘁. The majority of miscarriages can't be prevented. I didn't miscarry because of medication, something I ate or drank, or anything I did. This is hard for a grieving mother because we want an explanation.
- 𝗦𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘀 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲. After each loss I was surprised how many people had been through something similar. Knowing I wasn't alone helped.
- 𝗚𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝘀𝗽𝗮𝗰𝗲. Having a miscarriage physically hurts, and can take awhile to heal both physically and emotionally. Chronic conditions make the physical aspect take longer. Please be patient with me.
- 𝗕𝗲 𝘀𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗻𝗮𝗻𝗰𝘆. It's really hard to see women easily conceiving left and right when you cannot. Thoughtful friends pulled me aside before announcing. 🤰 Understand I can be happy for you, but still sad for me.
- 𝗞𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗴𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝘆, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝗼𝗸. There is no right way. What I found helpful and hurtful, may be different for others.
Together we can end the stigma. If you are experiencing a loss or supporting someone who is, my DMs are always open. 🌈
