How to Support a Loved One after Pregnancy Loss
Trigger warning: mention of miscarriage
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It's not a club I wish I was a part of, or a club I wish existed at all.
I am so very grateful to have two healthy rainbow babies, but the journey was not easy. ๐
I've been pretty open on Insta so instead of re-sharing my recurrent pregnancy loss story, here is advice on how to support a loved one.
What I found helpful after miscarriages:
- ๐ง๐ฒ๐น๐น ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ต๐ผ๐ ๐๐ผ๐'๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ด๐ผ๐ถ๐ป๐ด ๐๐ผ ๐ต๐ฒ๐น๐ฝ. Meals, taking care of kids, driving carpool, chores. This was better than asking how to help, because I was too overwhelmed to answer.
- ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ ๐๐ง๐๐๐ก๐. It's ok not to know what to say, but please don't ignore me. "Thinking of you" or "I'm so sorry" works.
- ๐ฆ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฑ ๐ฎ ๐๐บ๐ฎ๐น๐น ๐ด๐ฒ๐๐๐๐ฟ๐ฒ- a card, flowers, plants, or treats with a short note. ๐ต
- ๐๐ผ๐ป'๐ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ต๐ถ๐ป๐ด๐ ๐น๐ถ๐ธ๐ฒ "everything happens for a reason", "at least you weren't far along", "at least you can get pregnant" or anything dismissive.
- ๐ฅ๐ฒ๐บ๐ถ๐ป๐ฑ ๐บ๐ฒ ๐ถ๐'๐ ๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐บ๐ ๐ณ๐ฎ๐๐น๐. The majority of miscarriages can't be prevented. I didn't miscarry because of medication, something I ate or drank, or anything I did. This is hard for a grieving mother because we want an explanation.
- ๐ฆ๐ต๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐๐ผ๐๐ฟ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฒ๐
๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ถ๐ฒ๐ป๐ฐ๐ฒ. After each loss I was surprised how many people had been through something similar. Knowing I wasn't alone helped.
- ๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ ๐บ๐ฒ ๐๐ฝ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฒ. Having a miscarriage physically hurts, and can take awhile to heal both physically and emotionally. Chronic conditions make the physical aspect take longer. Please be patient with me.
- ๐๐ฒ ๐๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฝ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ด๐ป๐ฎ๐ป๐ฐ๐. It's really hard to see women easily conceiving left and right when you cannot. Thoughtful friends pulled me aside before announcing. ๐คฐ Understand I can be happy for you, but still sad for me.
- ๐๐ป๐ผ๐ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ฟ๐๐ผ๐ป๐ฒ ๐ด๐ฟ๐ถ๐ฒ๐๐ฒ๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐ณ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐น๐, ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐ ๐ผ๐ธ. There is no right way. What I found helpful and hurtful, may be different for others.
Together we can end the stigma. If you are experiencing a loss or supporting someone who is, my DMs are always open. ๐
